Craigslistlieder

by Gabriel Kahane

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released January 1, 2007

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Gabriel Kahane Brooklyn, New York

Gabriel Kahane is eating chocolate bread.

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Track Name: I. You Looked Sexy
you looked sexy even though – m4w
Reply to: anon-126689026@craigslist.org Date: Thu Jan 19 10:16:28 2006
...you were having a seizure. it was in the hair care section at the Vancouver walgreens. i was the guy in the blue shirt holding your legs while that old man
Track Name: II. I'm Sorry
i'm sorry i masturbated on your ikea catalog
Reply to: anon-117614840@craigslist.org Date: Mon Dec 12 09:26:00 2005
but, dude, have you seen page 56?
have a great birthday. you're an awesome roommate.
Track Name: III. Half A Box of Condoms
half a box of condoms - w4m – 35
Reply to anon-143365944@craigslist.org Date: Sun Mar 19 16:41:11 2006
It is a beautiful sunny Sunday, and my relationship status is such that I am cleaning out my sock drawer. I get to the bottom, and discover 5 blue, foil squares. Ah...old friends, I remember you well. The optimism of buying a box of 12. The butterflies in the stomach on the night of your unveiling. And now you sit abandoned. And, it turns out, soon to expire. I'm a frugal sort. I hate wasting anything. So now I've got a timeline for final deployment: Nov 2006. I'm very task oriented--I love working against a deadline.
Track Name: IV. Neurotic and Lonely
neurotic and lonely - 20
Reply to: pers-134000159@craigslist.org Date: 2006-02-14, 9:45PM EST

average height, brown eyes (slightly disportionate), brown curly hair (jewfro), 20 y/o, slightly hunched, occasionally employed anthropologist, chainsmoking jew, currently living with parents, off from school to deal with emotional problems (medicated), seeks gorgeous artsy genius woman interested in philosophical discourse, making out, television, woody allen movies, thelonious monk, the nazis, chinese food, thomas pynchon, digestive disorders. must enjoy video games. must own a video game system. (my parents refuse to buy one for me) no ugg boots. no long island.
Track Name: V. Today I Met
Today I met the messenger of God. Reply to: pers-152103054@craigslist.org Date: 2006-04-17, 11:28PM EDT
Today I met the messenger of God. He was selling M&Ms on the F train.
Track Name: VI. For Trade
For Trade: Assless Leather Chaps Date: 2004-09-26, 10:51PM PDT
I have one pair of slightly used assless chaps, size 42. Perfect condition, barely noticible stickiness.
Will trade for Spider-Man comics or equivilant.
Track Name: VII. If Anyone Knows...
Two years ago. my sister and I went from NY to Catskills Reply to: pers-163341174@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-05-22, 5:31AM EDT
Somehwere up there at one of those stands (as it was Fall and there were pumpkins out) we pulled over and bought some stuff. One of the things we bought was a kind of sandwich relish. It was super spicey. There is nothing you can get like it in the grocery stores (I know because I always look) yet I don't know what it was because some dipshit through out my bottle of it. You know those chopped up red peppers people put on sandwiches? It was kind of like that but so much more. If anyone knows what I am talking about, please tell me. It is driving me crazy.
Track Name: VIII. Opera Scene
$550 - Huge room available - with a twist! Reply to: hous-186020008@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-25, 9:58AM EDT
Hello potential roommates!
I come to you today with an offer you might not be able to refuse. Due to my current roommate's imminent departure, I have available a large furnished room on the first floor of a three-story walk-up in the heart of the East Village (4th Street and Second Avenue). There are two bedrooms in the place, and yours would be the largest.
I don't need to tell you that this is near all the cool spots, including restaurants, bars, cafes, theatres, concert halls, etc. However, the room itself is private, at the end of a long hallways, and very quiet. The dimensions are 15x17, and it has two windows which look onto our interior courtyard. Bed, wardrobe, desk, and air conditioning come with the room. $550 includes all utilities.
You may be wondering why the price is so low. Well, here's the twist: I am a 25 year old male with a slight social problem which, to some, makes me an undesirable roommate.
I'll get right to the point: I have a compulsion to put ice cubes down people's shirts. As my roommate, you will likely bear the brunt of this problem.
Don't ask me to explain why I do this. It's a serious psychological issue, and years of therapy haven't helped.
Let me emphasize: it will not go ANY FURTHER than the ice cubes. I am not abusive or perverted in any way, and I will never make lewd comments or touch you inappropriately. I also do not drop heavier or steaming hot objects down people's shirts. Only ice cubes.
What this means for you: when you are sitting on the couch, or at the dinner table, or basically anywhere in the apartment, I may come up to you and drop an ice cube down your shirt.
I always have ice cubes on hand. DO NOT thnk you can simply get ride of all ice trays in the apartment. Trust me, I have tried this, as have various roommates. It doesn't work, I will only buy more.
I prefer someone who does not like to have friends over, unless they understand my problem. They are prone to having ice cubes put down their shirt.
Your bedroom door has a sturdy lock, so you will always be secure while sleeping. Ditto for the bathroom. I may turn the doorknob on rare instances, but a stern word is usually enough to send me on my way.
On infrequent occasions, I have been known to follow someone onto the street to put an ice cube down their shirt. Once, I showed up at a roommate's place of business. However, this was a wake-up call, and I can assure you it's something I may not repeat.
Okay, I think that covers it. As you see, this is a great room in a terrific location, for a very, very low price. Quite simply, you won't find a deal like it anywhere in the city. However, my roommate will have to be tolerant. It takes great patience, and others have failed. It may seem like a minor problem, but eventually all the ice can become very annoying.
Otherwise, I am a caring, conscientious person. I work in finance, and enjoy mountain biking on the weekends.
So send me e-mail me if you're interested! Please address the ice cube problem and how you plan to deal with it. I need to be sufficiently impressed, because I don't want to find another roommate after one month. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse. Also include some of your favorite hobbies.
My current roommate is leaving to move in with her boyfriend, but before that, we had a successful relationship for one year. She even said the ice was something of a relief in the summer months, which can become very hot.
Females are preferred, but guys, don't let that deter you! Move-in would be anytime between now and September 1. I'm flexible.
Thanks for listening!